February 5th, 2012changed my life. It changed everything. It started like a very normal day. We homeschool and my husband and I were having coffee while the kids finished breakfast. This was the first day of coop. Coop is on Fridays and the kids go to classes that are separated by age groups. Everyone was excited for the first day including me. Then I went to the bathroom...
When I wiped there was blood. there was not alot of blood but there was blood. At 24 weeks pregnant I just felt right away that this was not good. I was shaking because I suddenly felt so scared. I told my husband Brian and then went to call the doctor right away. My biggest fear was that it was preterm labor. I would soon come to find out that it was much worse.
The doctor wanted me to come in. My mom came and got the kids and Brian and I left for the appointment. We had a great doctor, not my doctor but he was great. He discussed why we were there , told us what they do for bleeding and then said that he would listen to the heartbeat. He was having trouble hearing the heartbeat but we thought it was because of my anterior placenta. He pulled in an old ultrasound machine. He was trying to get a clear picture but having trouble so he called in another doctor whom just happens to be all of our children's doctor. He is the best. He got the picture and Ruby Claire (that is her name) looked so still. I prayed that it was the machine. Then he turned on the sound and there was nothing, but I still felt hope that it was just a old machine. He sent us immediately to the hospital for an ultrasound. As soon as the doctors left I started crying. I prayed on the way there and right up until the ultrasound for God to please give us a miracle. But, the hospital ultrasound confirmed that she was gone. I will never forget seeing her lifeless little body inside of me. Just 8 weeks ago that body was moving all around on the ultrasound and I had cried tears of joy when the technician confirmed that she was a she. Now, my husband and I cried and cried. Then we called our doctor (he gave us his cell number) and he was so nice (the best doctor) and he told us we would have to be induced and deliver. He said that we could stay right then or wait until Monday. We chose to wait and we went to meet with the doctor. He told us exactly what would happen. He offered us to see the counselors. And he said to call if there was more bleeding or cramps.
We went home to tell our family and the kids. It was just heartbreaking. I felt devastated, shattered, broken. We had loved this little baby. We knew she was a she. We called her Ruby Claire from about 7 weeks on and made her name official the day after we found out she was a she. We were beyond thrilled about this pregnancy. Our daughter was ecstatic. Our families were thrilled right a long with us. She was going to be our 4th and final child. We had a closet of clothes, diapers, shoes, blankets... We had everything except Ruby Claire. Needless to say that was a night of ALOT of tears and heartbreak for everyone.
Saturday, we had a family wedding. But, when I got up I had some more bleeding and we decided that I would go to the hospital that afternoon. My husband and the kids went to the wedding and then my husband and I went to the hospital. The staff were so nice. I cried a lot throughout the whole thing. My husband and I had just settled in when he got a call from our best friend and he was almost there. That gave me a lot of relief because I knew that he would be there for us but mainly I knew Brian had someone to lean on. I had prayed that the labor could be short (mine are usually around 12 hours) because I just did not feel like I could handle a long labor. My prayers were answered. I had cytotec around 8:00 and 10:30 I was in full blown labor. They were barely able to do an epidural. I delivered her by 11:00 and the placenta followed right after her. The doctor said they were very surprised by how fast things went and that it was highly unusual for it to happen that fast , the delivery and the placenta.
We got to hold Ruby Claire. She was beautiful. We last heard a heartbeat at 20 weeks, but she had stopped growing around 16 weeks. She was only 2.5 ounces. I do not know how she could have survived 20 weeks. Even being that small she had my hands, these perfect long , slender fingers and these precious little feet... I so wish we had a picture of her hands. The nurse did make a memory box with pictures of her feet and her just not her hands. After holding her, our friend who is the geneticist came and did her measurements and they took what they needed for testing. It was so sad. The day she entered the world , she had to leave the world. She never took a breath but she made a huge impact on many lives.
After they took her I must have cried a million tears. I cannot remember ever crying that much in my life. My eyes were swollen for three days. It is just the must heart wrenching thing EVER. We got to leave the next afternoon and I was consumed with sadness. We were going home with family to greet us but with no Ruby Claire. Even now my heart aches for her. I just wanted my baby.
The kids ran and hugged us which of course, even on a day like that made my heart smile. For them I had to move forward. For them I have to keep moving forward. They need me. One day we will be reunited with Ruby Claire, but Hannah, Zachary, and Jackson need us today. My husband and I had decided before we came home to reserve most of our sadness for night time after the kids were in bed unless kids wanted to talk or they wanted to be sad. But, kids are resilient. They were sad and they are still sad but they are okay.
Friends, family, coop family, just everyone has been incredibly, overwhlemingly supportive. I could not have asked for better friends and family.
I am okay. It is now two weeks later and life goes on. It is different. It is changed because a piece of me is gone. I am struggling to move forward one day at a time. I have some times where I have what I call mini meltdowns but overall I am okay. And if I keep saying I am okay, I know I will be. :)
I will end tonight with a poem my dad wrote:
no chance of life sweet and fair
but we'll love you forever Ruby Claire
Keep writing. This is a lovely tribute to little, Ruby Claire. It also answers some questions I had regarding your loss that I did not feel comfortable asking. I said it before and I'll say it again, I think you and Brian are handling this with incredible grace! You are so fortunate to have Hannah, Zachary and Jackson to help bring you through this sad time.
ReplyDeleteLove you so much,
Ang.