Today

Today has been what I would call, "one of those days."  I woke up and it was raining and maybe that correlated with my mood.  Either way I just felt annoyed right off the bat because the recycling had not been taken and it is overflowing, the floors had to be vacuumed because of dog hair (my husband is supposed to help), and today really starts back to the real world.

Everything has been okay.  I have been at home in my comfortable, warm surroundings not really having to face the real world because we had a child with a fever until Monday.  Today we have speech and tomorrow we have coop and we are back to the real world.

It is not that people are rude or anything.  It is just the reality that Ruby Claire is gone.  People will ask about it and I so appreciate their concern and everything they have done.  The pain is just still so new and so fresh.  It is just sad.  Like , today at speech I was talking to the therapist (we have known her for a long time) and I started crying.  She had tears.   It is just hard and sad and I know tomorrow will be the same and then we can start moving forward. :)

It is just a sad day for me today, I guess.  I cried at speech.  I cried on my mother-in-laws shoulders...  I guess it is just an emotional day. :)  I just do not like to be all emotional in front of other people and the kids because I know it is upsetting but sometimes it cannot be helped. :)

Tomorrow is a new day and things are already looking up.  I am so thankful for my family and friends throughout this time and always.

Maybe there was a positive side...

After Ruby was delivered we decided that we would have her cremated.  I have chosen cremation for myself when I die and it just seemed like the best thing.  We had a small memorial I put her ashes in the flower garden.  I love flowers and I can see the flower garden from my kitchen window.  Alot of people brought flowers and we just had a very nice family gathering.  I love my family and we are just so lucky to have them.

On to the positive side.  Brian and I were sitting in the hospital and just got all situated. They were getting the orders for the cytotec and Brian said he kept trying to think of a positive side to this situation , but there just wasn't one.  Neither of us could think of any positive things about our situation.  

Within 30 minutes of saying that Keith called.  He is just one of our dearest friends.  He came to Hannah's birth and he has really gone through everything with us since we were married.  He showed up at the hospital like 30 minutes later and that was our first positive thing that happened.  He came in and told stories about old times and times to come and then we all walked the halls.  The three of us were reunited just like old times.  We walked the halls and we laughed.  I do not know any other two people that could have made me laugh at that time, but somehow they did and I am so grateful for that.  I am so grateful for my husband and for Keith.

There were so many positive things that have occurred since then that it is overwhelming (in a good way). All of the doctors we have seen have been extraordinary.   Our coop has sent flowers, thoughts & prayers, and dinners for a week, not to mention subs for me for coop.  Friends have sent cards.  Relatives sent flowers.  My sister and her boyfriend babysat all of our children and the neighbors child.  My best friend came and spent the afternoon with me and brought dinner & dessert.  He has called very regularly just to check on me.  A dear friend from Texas called right when everything happened and told me what would happen by sharing her experience with a still birth.  Our dear,dear friend (a doctor) came to exam Ruby Claire and collect information for testing.  She is wonderful and always goes above and beyond for us.

Then there is Brian's mom who was sick but she still got us a beautiful card with money for whatever we might need.  Her work sent us a card and money.  My sister had a beautiful book filled with beautiful quotes from family and friends.  My parents paid for the cremation.  My mom bought me black shirts to wear until my stomach went down so I did not have to answer questions like, are you pregnant?  When are you due?  I am so grateful.   People generosity has just absolutely overwhelmed me.  The things they have done are just so, so, nice.

My Dad wrote the wonderful poem about Ruby Claire which was on my first blog.  And as if  that was not enough he wrote a poem to his daughter:

If I knew some magic words that would heal your broken heart, surely I would say them.

If I a balm to soothe your life at this moment, I would gladly spread it over you.

If I was all powerful, I would hold you in the hollow of my hands.

Alas, I am only a father, with no magic to heal the ache in your soul.

I can offer you only a father's tears and a father's love.

May they bring you some small comfort in your time of need.

I love you my precious, precious daughter.

I can only offer you a father's love.

That has been so soothing to me during this time, just knowing how loved I am.

Yesterday, out of the blue a lady that I have never met except to talk to on the phone sent me a card.  It was just such a nice, nice card and it just really made me think how even tragedies have a positive side.  There are bad things in this world but there is still so much beauty and we have been fortunate enough to see so much beauty over the past several weeks.  Family and friends - I love you and I am so thankful for each and every one of you.  I send out HUGS & LOVE to you all.  You have touched my heart and your kindness will never be forgotten.

"There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."  (not sure who this is written by)

The day that changed everything

February 5th, 2012changed my life.  It changed everything.  It started like a very normal day.  We homeschool and my husband and I were having coffee while the kids finished breakfast.  This was the first day of coop.  Coop is on Fridays and the kids go to classes that are separated by age groups.  Everyone was excited for the first day including me.  Then I went to the bathroom...

When I wiped there was blood.  there was not alot of blood but there was blood.  At 24 weeks pregnant I just felt right away that this was not good.  I was shaking because I suddenly felt so scared.  I told my husband Brian and then went to call the doctor right away.  My biggest fear was that it was preterm labor.  I would soon come to find out that it was much worse.  

The doctor wanted me to come in.  My mom came and got  the kids and Brian and I left for the appointment.  We had a great doctor, not my doctor but he was great.  He discussed why we were there , told us what they do for bleeding and  then said that he would listen to the heartbeat.  He was having trouble hearing the heartbeat but we thought it was because of my anterior placenta.  He pulled in an old ultrasound machine.  He was trying to get a clear picture but having trouble so he called in another doctor whom just happens to be all of our children's doctor.  He is the best.  He got the picture and Ruby Claire (that is her name) looked so still.  I prayed that it was the machine.  Then he turned on the sound and there was nothing, but I still felt hope that it was just a old machine.  He sent us immediately to the hospital for an ultrasound.  As soon as the doctors left I started crying.  I prayed on the way there and right up until the ultrasound for God to please give us a miracle.  But, the hospital ultrasound confirmed that she was gone.  I will never forget seeing her lifeless little body inside of me.  Just 8 weeks ago that body was moving all around on the ultrasound and I had cried tears of joy when the technician confirmed that she was a she.  Now, my husband and I cried and cried.  Then we called our doctor (he gave us his cell number) and he was so nice (the best doctor) and he told us we would have to be induced and deliver.  He said that we could stay right then or wait until Monday.  We chose to wait and we went to meet with the doctor.  He told us exactly what would happen.  He offered us to see the counselors.  And he said to call if there was more bleeding or cramps.  

We went home to tell our family and the kids.  It was just heartbreaking.  I felt devastated, shattered, broken.  We had loved this little baby.  We knew she was a she.  We called her Ruby Claire from about 7 weeks on and made her name official  the day after we found out she was a she.  We were beyond thrilled about this pregnancy.  Our daughter was ecstatic.  Our families were thrilled right a long with us.  She was going to be our 4th and final child.  We had a closet of clothes, diapers, shoes, blankets...  We had everything except Ruby Claire.  Needless to say that was a night of ALOT of tears and heartbreak for everyone.

Saturday, we had a family wedding.  But, when I got up I had some more bleeding and we decided that I would go to the hospital that afternoon.  My husband and the kids went to the wedding and then my husband and I went to the hospital.   The staff were so nice.  I cried a lot throughout the whole thing.  My husband and I had just settled in when he got a call from our best friend and he was almost there.  That gave me a lot of relief because I knew that he would be there for us but mainly I knew Brian had someone to lean on.  I had prayed that the labor could be short (mine are usually around 12 hours) because I just did not feel like I could handle a long labor.  My prayers were answered.  I had cytotec around 8:00 and 10:30 I was in full blown labor.  They were barely able to do an epidural.   I delivered her by 11:00 and the placenta followed right after her.  The doctor said they were very surprised by how fast things went and that it was highly unusual for it to happen that fast , the delivery and the placenta.  

We got to hold Ruby Claire.  She was beautiful.  We last heard a heartbeat at 20 weeks, but she had stopped growing around 16 weeks.  She was only 2.5 ounces.  I do not know how she could have survived 20 weeks.  Even being that small she had my hands, these perfect long , slender fingers and these precious little feet...  I so wish we had a picture of her hands.  The nurse did make a memory box with pictures of her feet and her just not her hands.  After holding her, our friend who is the geneticist came and did her measurements and they took what they needed for testing.  It was so sad.  The day she entered the world , she had to leave the world.  She never took a breath but she made a huge impact on many lives.

After they took her I must have cried a million tears.  I cannot remember ever crying that much in my life.  My eyes were swollen for three days.  It is just the must heart wrenching thing  EVER.  We got to leave the next afternoon and I was consumed with sadness.  We were going home with family to greet us but with no Ruby Claire.  Even now my heart aches for her.  I just wanted my baby.  

The kids ran and hugged us which of course, even on a day like that made my heart smile.   For them I had to move forward.  For them I have to keep moving forward.  They need me.  One day we will be reunited with Ruby Claire, but Hannah, Zachary, and Jackson need us today.   My husband and I had decided before we came home to reserve most of our sadness for night time after the kids were in bed unless kids wanted to talk or they wanted to be sad.  But, kids are resilient.  They were sad and they are still sad but they are okay.  

Friends, family, coop family, just everyone has been incredibly, overwhlemingly supportive.  I could not have asked for better friends and family.  

I am okay.  It is now two weeks later and life goes on.  It is different.  It is changed because a piece of me is gone.  I am struggling to move forward one day at a time.  I have some times where I have what I call mini meltdowns but overall I am okay.  And if I keep saying I am okay, I know I will be. :)

I will end tonight with a poem my dad wrote:

You never drew a single breath of air           sunlight never touched your graceful hair
no chance of life sweet and fair
but we'll love you forever Ruby Claire